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Originally published at Am I the Only One Dancing?. Please leave any comments there.

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Originally published at <a href="http://www.amnottheonlyone.com/how-to-use-your-brain-to-let-love-find-you/">Am I the Only One Dancing?</a>. Please leave any <a href="http://www.amnottheonlyone.com/how-to-use-your-brain-to-let-love-find-you/#comments">comments</a> there.<a class="hupso_pop" href="http://www.hupso.com/share/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://www.hupso.com']);"><img src="http://static.hupso.com/share/buttons/button60x14.png" width="60" height="14" border="0" alt="Share Button"/></a><script type="text/javascript">var hupso_services=new Array("Twitter","Facebook","Google Plus","Linkedin","StumbleUpon","Digg","Reddit","Bebo","Delicious");var hupso_icon_type = "icons";</script><script type="text/javascript" src="http://static.hupso.com/share/js/share.js"></script> <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File%3AFlock_of_Seagulls_%28eschipul%29.jpg" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://commons.wikipedia.org']);" style="clear: left; display: block; float: left; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt=""Running with the seagulls", Galvest..." height="200" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/18/Flock_of_Seagulls_%28eschipul%29.jpg/300px-Flock_of_Seagulls_%28eschipul%29.jpg" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="300" /></a>Image via <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File%3AFlock_of_Seagulls_%28eschipul%29.jpg" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://commons.wikipedia.org']);">Wikipedia</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_%28love%29" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://en.wikipedia.org']);" rel="wikipedia" title="Romance (love)">Romantic love</a> is a tricksy bitch, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. When we meet a new person, our joy and pleasure reward systems get all mixed up and discombobulated and we start thinking with body parts that are even stupider than our lizard brained amygdala (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhombencephalon" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://en.wikipedia.org']);" rel="wikipedia" title="Rhombencephalon">hind brain</a>). <a name='more'></a> <div style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div> For women in the western world, this is complicated enormously by mixed patriarchal messages in our society, absorbed since before we could walk or talk, that our worth is all wrapped up in our ability to be desirable – but not too openly desirable. We are expected to be available – but not too available. Submissive – but we should at least ‘put up a fight’. And so on ad nauseum. <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File%3A55-aspetti_di_vita_quotidiana%2C_gioia%2CTaccuino_Sanitatis%2C_Cas.jpg" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://commons.wikipedia.org']);" style="clear: right; display: block; float: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="see filename" height="322" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ec/55-aspetti_di_vita_quotidiana%2C_gioia%2CTaccuino_Sanitatis%2C_Cas.jpg/300px-55-aspetti_di_vita_quotidiana%2C_gioia%2CTaccuino_Sanitatis%2C_Cas.jpg" style="border: medium none; font-size: 0.8em;" width="300" /></a>Image via <a href="http://commons.wikipedia.org/wiki/File%3A55-aspetti_di_vita_quotidiana%2C_gioia%2CTaccuino_Sanitatis%2C_Cas.jpg" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://commons.wikipedia.org']);">Wikipedia</a>In our teenaged years, our hormones kick in and steadily start whispering to our hind brain (whether or not our <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosencephalon" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://en.wikipedia.org']);" rel="wikipedia" title="Prosencephalon">fore brain</a> has the reins firmly in hand) Time to make babies. Time to link up. Now. Now. Now. Fortunately, in western societies these days, there are enough counter messages out there to prevent most of us from going out and making a baby for our thirteenth birthday present. It doesn’t get all that much easier as we mature, because our society continually throws the same mixed messages at us. Live it up, but not too much, or you’re a slut (and that’s bad!). This is all basic developmental psychology with just a splash of feminist perspective thrown in. Standard issue self-help. Where does happiness come in? It comes in where the the id meets the superego (or as I put it earlier, the hind brain meets the fore brain). Happiness comes in the pause just before you say ‘Oh, what the hell (or heck, if you lean that way)’ and dive in to a new relationship. In that pause, you get a brief communication from your fore brain that is either telling you ‘this is good’ or ‘this is a very bad idea’. Listen to your fore brain. Don’t let wishful thinking override it. And let love come to you. No, I don’t mean ‘play hard to get’. That’s silly and stupid. Game-playing sets up a lifetime of lies and rigid roles in a relationship that is not healthy and doesn’t make either of you happy. What I mean is: <ul> <li>Remember that while you may want this relationship (or date) you don’t need it to prove your worth or for any other reason. There are always other options.</li> <li>No man or woman that pressures you or tries to make you feel unsure of your worth is worth your time. </li> <li>Ignore your hind brain completely for a moment. If this guy or gal were completely unattractive to you romantically, would you choose him or her as a friend? No? Why waste your time? Unless, of course you are after a mutually satisfactory short term or one night relationship. Still, if he or she is not someone whose company you can enjoy vertical, why get horizontal?</li> <li>If this is a blind date, have a safety net – a friend who will call and check on you, meet in a public place, don’t go home with him or her on the first date, etc. Hind brain will insist it’s okay. Don’t listen to hind brain. Listen to fore brain.</li> <li>If you suddenly start looking at your old buddy Joe-Jim-Bob or Jane-Sally-Sue and realize that ‘hey, he or she is kind of cute’, think carefully. A friendship is great place to start romance, but there may be a price. Weigh it.</li> <li>If you find yourself changing significantly, especially if you’re changing in ways you don’t like, consider it a warning sign. I don’t care how good he or she is in bed. Really. Good sex is not worth your happiness.</li> <li>Don’t demand perfection. Relationships are built from human beings, and human beings are imperfect. Pick the areas where you will make your stand and let other issues go. So he leaves hairs in the sink when he shaves. So she is a member of a different spiritual tradition. Deal. Or don’t. Some things are worth taking a stand on. Others aren’t. You know what those things are for you.</li> </ul> Where are you looking for love? Is it a place where you would go if you weren’t looking for a partner? This is kind of important. The sort of person who inhabits a bar may or may not be the right person for you, depending on whether you also enjoy socializing in a bar. The same is true of a spiritual center, an on-line space, a sports venue, or any other public space where you are likely to find a partner. If you wouldn’t be there unless you were looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, what makes you think Mr. or Ms. Right would be hanging out in that space? I have been happily married now for just under fourteen years, and partnered for just under sixteen – but I wasn’t born that way and I certainly wasn’t born knowing what a good relationship looked or felt like. Like many of you, my parents didn’t exactly set a stellar example – and more importantly, my mother gave me the worst relationship advice anyone could ever give. She told me (repeatedly): “Don’t let any man know how smart you are or no man will ever love you.” Really? I mean – really? Talk about bad messaging. But my mother, while more blatant about her patriarchal messaging than some, was hardly more extreme. And the bad messages don’t just come from our parents. They come from the air we breathe, from the media we absorb, from our peers, from our spiritual leaders, and from our friends. But if we just remember, in that pause before diving in, to listen to our fore brains and be true to ourselves, we save ourselves a lot of grief. If I’d listened to my fore brain: <ul> <li>I’d be on my first marriage and not my second.</li> <li>There are at least a half dozen romantic opportunities I would have said ‘no’ to, and another half dozen I would have said ‘yes’ to.</li> <li>I would have had more time and energy for creative pursuits I truly enjoy</li> <li>I would have been happier.</li> <li>I would almost certainly have found ‘true love’ sooner.</li> </ul> And that is the point, really. If you pause, and let love come to you, and really listen to your fore brain, and take its advice, in the long run you’ll be happier – and partnered to someone who supplements rather than depletes your happiness. What a wonderful gift love is! Don’t ever forget to give it to yourself. To Stay Connected and Spread the Merriment<a href="http://www.facebook.com/m.odanu" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://www.facebook.com']);"> Please Like my Facebook Page</a> or follow me at<a href="http://twitter.com/odanu" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://twitter.com']);"> @odanu</a> on Twitter. Return to <a href="http://amnottheonlyone.blogspot.com/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://amnottheonlyone.blogspot.com']);">Am I the Only One Dancing?</a> for more, or go <a href="http://walkingupstream.blogspot.com/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://walkingupstream.blogspot.com']);">Walking Upstream</a> for political writing. small print: While I often recommend things just because I like them (I’m nice that way) please assume for FTC purposes that any endorsement is compensated — and have a truly beautiful, happy day! <div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div> <div> <h6 style="font-size: 1em; margin: 1em 0pt 0pt;">Related articles</h6> <ul> <li><a href="http://www.datingwebsites.org/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://www.datingwebsites.org']);">“Love” Vs. “In Love”</a> (datingwebsites.org)</li> <li><a href="http://collegerelationships.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/the-chemicals-between-us/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://collegerelationships.wordpress.com']);">The Chemicals Between Us</a> (collegerelationships.wordpress.com)</li> <li><a href="http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/love_in_the_autumn_years/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://greatergood.berkeley.edu']);">Love in the Autumn Years</a> (greatergood.berkeley.edu)</li> </ul> </div> <div style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;"><a href="http://www.zemanta.com/" onclick="javascript:_gaq.push(['_trackEvent','outbound-article','http://www.zemanta.com']);" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=e1d88cae-db4b-4f3b-a272-bb95c09453d1" style="border: medium none; float: right;" /></a></div>

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How To Use Your Brain to Let Love Find You

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